Joke Page

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him". His mom is taken by surprise and says. " Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?". And the boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to Court. In Court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine,?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite bull Boris into the..." Didn't ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine?". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Boris into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Policeman on the scene that he was fine. Now, several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he was to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Boris into the trailer and was driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into the ditch and Boris was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear Boris moaning and groaning. I knew he was in terrible shape just by his groans. Shortly after the accident, a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Boris moaning and groaning so he went over to him. After he looked at him, he took out his gun and shot him between the eyes. Then the Policeman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your bull was in such bad shape I had to shoot him." "How are you feeling?"

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grand children. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice. The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody."

Dracula was killed one day and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood. "I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, BUT not in a human form. You can only be re-incarnated into any other living things of your choice. So, what would you like to be?" Still unrepentant, Dracula said, " I want to become a LIVING THING WITH WINGS and SUCKS BLOOD, heh..heh..heh..." " So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT. So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish "I'll give you another chance," said God. "I'll send you back again BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time? Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a LIVING THING WITH WINGS and SUCKS BLOOD" God thought for a while and then said, " if that's what you want." and turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO. So back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until one day, he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid. "I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT, this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a NON-LIVING THING of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God. Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okay...then turn me into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS and SUCKS BLOOD. Heh...heh...heh" "No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS which can SUCK BLOOD. Dracula became a TAMPON.

There was once a man and his dog, whom were stranded on an island. One day, the man was really desperate and wanted to have sex real bad, so he went round the island, hoping to find a woman or something, except for a barrel. So with that, he poked a hole through the middle of the barrel and screwed till he was satisfied. Ever since then, he used that to fulfil his sexual desires. One day, his dog, has the sexual urge too, so it decides to use the method that its master have been using. So the two of them used the barrel until they died.About 50 years later, the island was founded by a group of old nuns and they built a nunnery there. One day the Chief Nun found certain barrel which contained a loadful of wax, so she took it and made them into candles. The candles were then being used to light up the nunnery in the dark until one day, a nun got naughty and decided to satisfy herself with the candles. She throughly enjoyed herself from that. However 10 months later, she rushed into the Mother Superior's room and said, "I've got to confess, I used the candle to screw myself 10 months ago and now I have a baby. Mother Superior then replied, "You're more fortunate my child, I've got a puppy..."

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After a while he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you will have to ask him then," replied the lady calmly.

A man passed away and went to heaven. Arriving at the pearly gates, St.Peter said, "Comeon in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here." Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse. Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, "St. Peter, what's the deal Why are all these clocks here in heaven?" St. Peter replied, "The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute." "For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move." "Click." The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. "Click." It moved another minute. "Sam must be into closing a customer right now," said St.Peter. "The minute hand on his clock moves all day." The man and St. Peter continued walking. Soon, they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. "Whose clock is this?" asked the man. "That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two." They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said, "I've seen everyone's clock but President Clintons. Where is his clock?" Saint Peter smiled, "Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan."

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Grandpa

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."